Wednesday, July 16, 2008, 09:27 AM

Don't Eat At Mission Bar and Grill at SFO

Unless you like being FU#$ED over.

Today I discovered that the Mission Bar & Grill in SFO Airport charges 2 dollars EXTRA to have english muffins instead of regular toast.

A) Why? Are they flying the muffins in individually from Suffolk?

B) Are they made with a secret ingredient thats quite expensive? Perhaps Bengal Tiger Penis?

C) Or, are they just taking yet another opportunity to FUCK the helpless consumer at the airport?

You know the answer.

I talked to the manager, who of course tried to pass buck. That's what they always do. I don't know sir. I don't make the rules. WELL SOMEBODY FUCKING DOES.

Then he pointed out that you get twenty slices of bread in a loaf of bread and only 6 muffins in a blah blah blah blah blah BLHA BLAHA BLABAHlhababa

Why not just be honest, sir?

We charge extra because we can and we want to and you can't do a damn thing about it because your at the airport and you are starving and there's fuck-all food on the plane and fuck all chance of you going anywhere else to eat without missing you flight, so it looks like we got you by the balls, eh?

You do. But don't underestimate the power of free speech. Once this blog hits the streets, you watch business dry up, you over-charging-for-english muffins-son-of-bitch.

There. I feel a little better now.

ps to be fair, the waitstaff was very friendly and efficient. and i acknowledge that they have nothing to do with the muffin price-gouging operation which is going on.

Sunday, May 11, 2008, 06:46 AM

On Tour with the Conchords Part 1

I left my joyous second home, Australia on thursday morning, and flew to San Francisco. It was so lovely because I had forgotten that it was spring time still in the Bay Area, and the lush greenness of the hills mixed with the heady of mellowness of intercontinental jet-lag made for a state of mind which effected a dreamlike quality.

I went straight from the airport to the laundry matt and washed my clothes, then packed them right back into my suitcase. No time for unpacking! Only one night in my own bed, and then right back to the airport to fly out to DC to begin a 6 night, 5 city stint opening for the Flight of the Conchords on the middle leg of their current US tour.

As it turned out it had never been easier getting up for an early flight as my body clock was already well out of wack from the trip over from oz and i fairly flew out of bed wide awake at 330 am, even tho my alarm wasn't set to go off until 445!

MORE CRAZY ROAD STORIES WHERE THIS CAME FROM COMING UP!

quiz answers from yesterday: 1) A 2) A,B & C 2) AB, & C?

Friday, May 09, 2008, 07:25 AM

Back in the Saddle

I know. I know.

I went awol again. Im probably worst blogger in the world.

But every day is a new day, and every day is a chance to become the best little blogger you can be.

I'm at the airport, and this will come as a huge surprise, but my plane is delayed! What are the chances that something inconvenient would occur while in the process of air travel? I've never heard the the likes of it!!!

Pop quiz time!

1) Im on my way to Washington DC to:

A) Begin a 5 city tour as the support act for Flight of the Conchords.
B) Launch my political career.
C) I'm lying about going to DC. I really just came to the airport to eat breakfast, because I like paying 18.50 for scrambled eggs.

2) The reason I haven't blogged in a few months is:

A) I am too busy losing my ass at internet poker.
B) I'm too busy crying from losing my ass at internet poker.
C) I've been on tour and was just kind of lazy about it, but plan on doing it more now i promise please don't be angry

3) This new multiple choice blog format is:

A) An easy way to avoid having to worry about proper sentence and paragraph structure.
B) A gimmick I came up with to make my blogs more interactive.
D) Starting to work the nerve a little.
E) What happened to C?

Answers in tomorrows blog!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008, 02:20 PM

I Was On Alice This Morning

Don't get the wrong idea...

Alice 97.3 is a local radio station here in my native Bay Area.. They have a very popular morning show, called the Sarah and No Name Show...

Well, I've been hoping to go on the show for sometime now, and recently Sarah caught one of my shows when I was supporting Patton Oswalt over new years. I guess she enjoyed the show, because they invited me on the show a couple weeks later..

I was a little more nervous going in then I usually am for radio, because..

1) it took a long time to get this spot, and i didn't want to screw it up...

2) I had been told by several reliable sources that they highly preferred comedians NOT do their acts on air, and I was afraid I'd be boring without my trusty jokes (or classics as I prefer to call them).

Anyway, they couldn't have made feel more welcome and I relaxed immediately and greatly enjoyed chatting with them for the whole morning! We talked about this and that, and it felt good to say what I really thought about things and not feel pressure to get laughs everytime I opened my mouth. I did slip in one or two very short jokes, but they seemed forgiving enough about that.

So thanks to the whole gang down there, and hope to see you again down the road!

Saturday, February 02, 2008, 07:08 PM

This is part of the reason i haven't blogged in a while...

i just watch this all day...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbvP7dT3Dx0

and then I watch this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEV6K4bZX-o

and then my life is complete.

Saturday, February 02, 2008, 06:54 PM

hey bro!

Its been hella long since I've been on here...

Please forgive me..

So what have you been up to?

Cool. Very cool. Wow, really? Jesus, that must have been fully awesome!

Me? Not much. Just the usual. Cruisin' around the place, doing shows..

Right now, I'm in Grand Rapids, Michigan. It was brutal getting out here. Actually missed the first night because they cancelled my flight out of Chicago and i had to stay in a hotel there. Untied Airllines didn't offer to pay for it either, because according to them the, the blizzard is an act of god...

No it isn't. A blizzard is an act of nature.. Specifically it's the result of a a low pressure system bumping all up against a high pressure system or something like that.. There's nothing holy about it though, I promise...

If Untied said, 'The flight is cancelled because a plague of locusts hath descended upon the runway,' I might buy it.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007, 04:09 PM

The Importance of Humility

'Pride cometh before the fall.' So true then, must it's inverse be. 'Modesty cometh before the domination.' In this world, this life, which is so much larger then we are, to be overly prideful is to shut the very doors of experience, through which the vast majority of life's wonders pass. That's why, to this day, humility remains one of my most prized and truly impressive qualities about myself.

Saturday, September 22, 2007, 06:19 PM

Melbourne Ultimatum

It's great to be back in this city again. With its buildings and its....people in the buildings.

Two shows in Geelong last night. It's more or less pronounced 'Ja-long', but I like to think of it with a hard g sound, as it reminds me Waffalo Bill's theme song.

'G'along. lil' blueberry critters!'

Do you remember that?

Anyway, great crowds out there in G-town. Congrats on your AFL success this year.

peace

Friday, September 21, 2007, 06:55 PM

Newcastle Airport

I can't write long, because Im about to board a flight to Melbourne. We have two shows in Geelong tonight, and then a few nights off before I start my shows for the Melbourne Fringe Festival.

Rockin crowd in Newcastle last night. Always a fun city to go out it in too. We had a couple beers at Fennigans Irish pub after the show.

I only had a few beers but I had a bit of a headache today, so I wrote this rap about it at the airport..It kinda gay, just to warn you..

ow shit
my head hurts
spurts of pain
in my brain again,
so much for
maintainin
my cranium
hope its not broken
better have an oj
with no pulp
and an ibuprofin
word to the street

PEACE OUT FOOL

Wednesday, September 19, 2007, 09:33 PM

Queensland

We've been on tour all around Queensland. It's very pretty up here. Green and lush. Many beaches and rivers. As always, I feel a little rushed from city to city, and wish I had more time to check things out.

Although, I'm so severely addicted to online poker that, even when I'm out doing something fun in the sunshine, I secretly can't wait to get back to my hotel room and try to win my money back from the session before. So sad..

Joel Ozborn (my friend, support act and tour manager)and I went skydiving in Cairns the other day. We kept waiting to become terrified, but it never really happened. I think the scariest thing was that we were all crammed into this decrepit looking twin engine aircraft WITH NO DOOR. That's right, the door had been removed to make falling out that much easier. I was last to enter the plane, and as such, I was sitting there (no seats in this plane) right next to a gaping hole, watching the ground fall away. I had a seatbelt on, but was gripping the wall with my hand just in case.

By the time we jumped though, we were so high up, that you didn't really worry about the ground. As well, my feet were getting so cramped due to the pre-jump position we had to sit in, I could barely wait to get out of that bloody thing. Even tumbling to my death seemed a better option then sitting there killing my ankles one minute longer..

Falling..Falling...Fun. Windy as hell. Goggle kept almost coming off, so had to adjust them. Piercing wind hurt my ears a bit too. The left one is still funny. Might see a doc when I get back to Melb.

Overall, very enjoyable. Not too scary. You should try it, but I would try to wear earplugs or something if I did it again...

PEACE

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