Wednesday, September 19, 2007, 09:33 PM

Queensland

We've been on tour all around Queensland. It's very pretty up here. Green and lush. Many beaches and rivers. As always, I feel a little rushed from city to city, and wish I had more time to check things out.

Although, I'm so severely addicted to online poker that, even when I'm out doing something fun in the sunshine, I secretly can't wait to get back to my hotel room and try to win my money back from the session before. So sad..

Joel Ozborn (my friend, support act and tour manager)and I went skydiving in Cairns the other day. We kept waiting to become terrified, but it never really happened. I think the scariest thing was that we were all crammed into this decrepit looking twin engine aircraft WITH NO DOOR. That's right, the door had been removed to make falling out that much easier. I was last to enter the plane, and as such, I was sitting there (no seats in this plane) right next to a gaping hole, watching the ground fall away. I had a seatbelt on, but was gripping the wall with my hand just in case.

By the time we jumped though, we were so high up, that you didn't really worry about the ground. As well, my feet were getting so cramped due to the pre-jump position we had to sit in, I could barely wait to get out of that bloody thing. Even tumbling to my death seemed a better option then sitting there killing my ankles one minute longer..

Falling..Falling...Fun. Windy as hell. Goggle kept almost coming off, so had to adjust them. Piercing wind hurt my ears a bit too. The left one is still funny. Might see a doc when I get back to Melb.

Overall, very enjoyable. Not too scary. You should try it, but I would try to wear earplugs or something if I did it again...

PEACE

Wednesday, September 19, 2007, 09:29 PM

Barkside is Back

I know I ain't posted for a long time.

It's been a weird time for typing. My hands both went a little belly up all of a sudden; pains in my wrists, fingers and for-arms. Hopefully it will just go away...

That's how it goes as you get older. Something will just show up and bother you and then it's gone as soon as it came..

A couple months ago I suddenly had no energy for about a week. I complained to a friend and he suggested going to a naturepath.

'Are you kidding?'I asked, incredulously, 'Hiking's the last thing on my mind right now!' What an idiot!

Saturday, May 19, 2007, 04:29 PM

Tip Of The Week #1

Hey guys! Everybody likes a massage, right? But in day-to-day life, unless you're as rich as Thirston Howell III, you can't alway's feel that kind of relief on demand. Bummer, right?

Wrong. Here's what I do.

Everytime, I get a massage, I play the same exact song, over and over again. Than, when I'm stressed out, I just play that same song on my eye pod nano, and my body experiences psycho-somatic relaxation, almost instantly. My tense muscles are literally Pavlov's-Dogged into submission!

Sometimes people wonder why I listen to 'Green Eyed Lady' so often, but not as often as they ask me why I'm lying butt-naked on my stomach in public, moaning 'Oh yeah! Right there! Yeahhhhhhh....That's it.'

Thanks for coming down to the first annual 'Tip of the Week'! Hope this makes your week a lot better!

Arj

Friday, April 27, 2007, 01:46 PM

Are we friends yet?

CLICK FOR FRIENDSHIP

Friday, April 27, 2007, 01:40 PM

Hey Dummy #1: The Gym

Hey Dummy, guess what? It’s nice that you are attempting to clean the machine after you use it, but the proper way to do it is to spray a bit of disinfectant on a paper towel, away from the exercise area, and than walk back over to the machine and wipe it down.

DO NOT bring the whole bottle over and spray it directly on the machine. Only about 10% of it is hitting the Stairmaster’s handle bars. The other 90% is going up my nose, and upon my naked eyeballs. Thank you very much, but I can enjoy my cardio workout without a solid dose of Windex antihistamine.

And another thing, if you are sick - and I know you are, because I can hear you coughing violently on the treadmill next to me – STAY HOME. You are not only risking the health of others, but you are prolonging your own recovery by working out when you’re not well.

No offense, but I don’t want what you have, so please keep your illness to yourself. Gyms are disgusting enough without your diseased spittle hitting me on the shoulder.

Remember, it’s called a Health Club. Not an Ebola Club.

Friday, April 27, 2007, 01:40 PM

Hey Dummy: An Introduction

Welcome to my new series, ‘Hey, Dummy…’ This is going to be a regular, or semi-regular, or once-only installment on my blog where I try to help people not be annoying to others in public by telling them what they are doing wrong. I don’t know what they’re doing wrong in private, hence, I won’t be commenting on that.

Note that the term, ‘Dummy’ is carefully chosen. Initially, I considered calling the series ‘Hey Asshole.’ Eventually, however, I came to the conclusion that labeling these people as ‘assholes’ would imply that they were committing these fox paws on purpose, and what good would come of reminding them that they were upsetting others? None. If anything, they would derive some sick pleasure from it. So, fuck those assholes!

This series is purely intended to make certain people, or, ‘dummies’ as I gently refer to them, realize that they are slowing down the progress of civilization by doing stupid things, and shit. Hopefully they will see the light and say, ‘Ahhhh! I shouldn’t do that anymore.’ And thus, the world will become a better place for all.

Hope you like it. If you have ideas for more installments, send them to me so I can claim to have come up with them! arj@arjbarker.com

Let’s start!

Monday, April 16, 2007, 12:20 PM

Speakerphones in Public: The Height of Consideration

Today I submit to you that, contrary to popular assumption, it is indeed polite to use your speakerphone when conversing with a caller in public.

Let's explore why.

If we are sitting next to two people having a conversation in a restaraunt, we certainly don't feel any irritation, unless they are in some way boisterous or imposing.

However, when we hear someone talking on the phone, we are apt think, 'Man, I wish that asshole would get off the phone.'

So what's different about these two situations? The difference is that, in scenario #2, we can only hear one side of the conversation. Therefore, it's not what we hear that's bothering us but what we can't hear. We are missing out on imformation, and therefore we subconsciously feel 'left out' as it were. Thus, the hostile reaction.

However, if the person on the phone has it switched to speakerphone, problem solved! Now that's polite.

Of course there is the problem of the person your talking to. They may have some feelings about speakerphones. They may even protest by saying, 'Am I on speakerphone? I hate speakerphone! Take me off speakerphone! Waaaa! Boooooo! Hisssssyyyyy!!!!

Tough titty. You don't dictate the technology I employ on my end of the conversation.

Interestingly enough, early man was often accused of using speakerphone, even though the technology hadn't been invented.

Caller: Am I on speakerphone?

Neanderthal Man: No.

Caller: Are you sure? It sounds like I'm in a cave!

Neanderthal Man: Well, actually...

Wednesday, April 11, 2007, 03:17 PM

Spring

I went back to Californina last week for some time off and few shows in the South Bay, at Rooster T Feathers (thanks Heather!).

I was immediately blown away by the greenity and freshosity of the springitone which awaited me. Suddenly I realized that I hadn't acturally spent any April days in my home town since as long ago as 1999, as I'd been at the Melbourne Comedy Fest nearly every year, and the one time I wasn't, I was in New York City, performing the Marijuana-logues off broadway.

Once arrived home from the airport, I literally threw my stuff down in my room and hit the hills..

This is what I found.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007, 03:10 PM

I live in New York

I live in New York because...

I never want to see a tree again.
I like missing comedy festivals.
I have a small role on a new HBO series.
I like the smell of rotting garbage.
I enjoy people who think they've seen everything there is to see
I'm addicted to turkey burgers from Paul's Burgers.
I like being woken up by loud assholes all night, every night.
I'm mad at my liver, and I want to teach it a lesson.

Not all of the above are true. Can you figure it which ones are true and which are false?

Answers next week!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007, 03:08 PM

Are We Friends Yet?

If not, what are you waiting for cuz?

HERE

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