Wednesday, April 11, 2007, 02:58 PM

it ain't over till it's over Part II

I made it on the flight somehow.

So what's the moral of the story?

This is it: Don't wait so long to finish a blog entry that you forget all the details of the story and just write one sentence explaining the long of the short...

Oh wait.. It's coming back to me now!

As I approached the line to change my ticket (almost certainly the slowest moving line at the airport, and in this case, one of the longest), I decided to get a second opinion about my chances of making the flight, so I asked a lady who appeared to work for the airline (or was just a very regimented dresser).

'Sometimes the machines will give you a boarding pass this late,' she replied non-commitedly, gesturing to the machine, and my only hope, my Obi 1 if you will.

The machine kicked down, and I made my way to security.. Made it through security pretty quick as I didn't have any renegade packs of gum to set of the alarms (who knew Juicy Fruit could be so menacing?)..

I walked another 2 or 3 miles after that and found that they were in the middle of boarding my flight. I calmly boarded the big flying metal tube, and wondered how I'd done all that in less than an hour.

There you have it.

Not the best story, but TRUE.

Monday, March 12, 2007, 07:19 PM

It ain't over till it's over..

I had a 10 am flight to Los Angeles. After working the night before, and getting to bed at about 230 in the morning, I wasn't overjoyed to wake up at 7 to pack and leave my apt by 8.

As it turns out, that was the morning the clocks went forward an hour.

Nobody bothered to tell me.

So I didn't get up at 7. I got up at 8. It was 5 minutes past nine when I, still living in the past, hailed a cab. That gave me 55 minutes to get on a flight. The taxi driver seemed almost gleeful that I didn't know it was daylight savings.

'Oh yeah! One hour forward! Today!'

'Shit. Ok, well, I guess I'll miss my flight.'

'ONE HOUR! TODAY!'

'Yeah, well, that's gonna be a problem.'

'DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!"

'OK. I understand.'

'You don't believe me? Listen to the radio..'

'...and don't forget to set those clocks forward an hour or you'll surely miss your flight, asshole!..

'Can you turn the radio off please and just take me to the airport?'

'Ok, boss.'

We weaved and sped to the airport. I stumbled out of the taxi and into the terminal at about 25 past 9. In all fairness to the driver, we had made exceptional time getting to JFK.

An information desk right in front of me, with no line. Perfect.

'I have a 10 am flight to LA. Any chance I can make it on?

'No way. No. Never. Not gonna happen. Negative. But you can stand in that line over there, the one that's reminiscent of a bread line, circa The Great Depression, and try to get on the 11 o'clock flight.'

Thanks, Captain Bad News!

I walked towards the giant people-snake, knowing that this was approaching a worst-case scenario...

To be continued....

Monday, February 05, 2007, 09:29 PM

Regarding Aussie Comedy Festivals 2007

It is with sadness in my heart that I officially announce that I will not be attending this year's comedy festivals in Australia. This includes the Adelaide Fringe and Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

The reason is that I have a small, but reoccurring role on a new television program being made for HBO in New York. Not sure what the show is going to be called, but it stars The Flight of the Conchords, a brilliant duo from New Zealand who have of late, taken the global comedy scene by storm. If you haven't heard of them, you should definately check em out, as they are hilarious. They are also great human beings and I'm honored to be part of their project. Why not check out their myspace profile?

Unfortunately the taping of the show coincides exactly with the entire festival season, so there's really no way I can do both. I had waited till the last minute to pull out as I wasn't sure of the shoot schedule, which is why I am listed in the Adelaide Fringe guide as having a show.

Thanks for your understanding, and patience, as I am sure you can understand that this is an excellent oppurtunity for me to gain experience and exposure in my own country. More importantly, my good buddies have asked me to help them make a TV show, and what kind of friend would I be if I declined?

I can assure you with great assurity that I am sure that I will return to, and perform in Adelaide as well as Melbourne, at the first chance I get. Not only these areas, but I plan on touring in Queensland and very likely other parts of the country as well. In fact, no matter where you live, it's only a matter of time before I come there and tell you jokes.

I am infinitely grateful for the love and support the Australianish public has shown me over the years, and I intend to humbly remain in your comedic service for many years to come.

Look forward to the good times we'll have.
Enjoy the fests and have a beverage for me,
Love
Arj

Monday, January 22, 2007, 01:40 PM

Q and A with Me

I had to pull out of a few gigs up in Queensland, and I know that some of you are annoyed with me. Please understand that I have no choice as I have small role on a new TV show in the states and I need to get back to begin rehearsals.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR THE COMEDY FESTIVALS?

It means that I probably won't be at the Australian comedy festivals this year, as much as it pains me to miss them.

BUT WHEN WILL YOU TOUR AUSTRALIA AGAIN?

I'm already planning a Super Big Make-Up Tour, probably starting in Sept and lasting at least a couple months. I will go to all the areas I can, and this should include Melb, Adelaide, and if I can help it, all the areas I cancelled on in Feb.

WHAT IF I LIVE IN THE STATES?

Request that your local comedy club books me. I would love to come out there and see a bit of my own country!

WHY CAN'T SCIENCE TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THE NATURE OF CONSCIOUSNESS?

The problem stems from the fact that we can't study consciousness from any perspective other than our own consciousness. It's like the microscope trying to look at itself. Bloody impossible!

CAN YOU SURVIVE IN THE DESERT BY DRINKING YOUR OWN URINE?

You can for at least a couple days, but after a while the impurties of the pee pee can have a toxic affect and make you very ill. As well, the salinity (saltiness) of the chi chi may actually speed up the dehydration.

Captian James Riley, a sea captian whos crew was shipwrecked in the North of Africa, claims that he and his men survived from drinking their own piss for close to 10 days, though modern science states that this is improbable. That doesn't make his account untrue, but simply incredible.

If the subject of pee-drinking interests you, I suggest reading 'Skelotons In The Zahara' by Dean King. It's the story of Captian Riley and his men and it's heaps gripping!

Monday, January 22, 2007, 11:42 AM

I'm still alive

I don't know exactly why I haven't blogged for a few months.. But I think most of you will agree. This world is CHOCK FULL of distractions. Anyway, now or never....

Just got back from NYC yesterday. I performed in the Marijuana-logues at a new comedy club in Manhattan called Comix. It's quite a nice club, and the crowds were great.

It was bloody cold there though and it even snowed once or twice. I didn't really have the proper gear for that sort of weather, so I just ran from building to cab to building, with my hands in my pockets, a bit like Napolean Dynamite.

Some people hate that movie. But if you know someone that didn't like it, I bet it's because they had heard 'you have to see this movie' and 'it's SO funny' about a million times before seeing it, so they kind of went into it with attitude like, 'let's see what all the hype is about.'

Fortunately, when I saw it the first time, I had no idea what to expect. And I loved it from the very first scene. I've since seen it about 4 or 5 times and I continue to enjoy it and even find new things that please me about it.

If you don't like, than good! More for me.

Hope you're well.

Saturday, October 14, 2006, 07:46 PM

Gigs Cancelled!

Due to recent the developments in the Asia, by mandate of the UN, I regret to announce that I've had to cancel my entire North Korean tour. For those of you who already had tickets, please contact the Pyongyang Giggle Hut regarding a refund.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006, 04:54 AM

I May Never Be A Good Poker Player

I just can't seem to achieve the monetary detachment necessary. Other player throw 70 bucks into the pot like it was nothing, perhaps figuring, 'you've got to bet money to win money.'

But I'm having a heart-attack, thinking 'Jesus! That's like 10 orders of Chicken Pad Thais!'

Friday, September 15, 2006, 09:23 PM

E.Coli Found In US Spinach Supply!

Who would do such a thing to our nation's spinach supply? Only one person I can think of...

Damn you Bluto! If Popeye wasn't in the hospital with severe diarreah and possible kidney failure right now, he would kick your cartoon ass!

Why does E. Coli get to abbreviate it's first name? It sounds more like a respected author then a deadly bacteria that Bluto put in our spinach supply. Damn you again Bluto!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006, 06:08 PM

NEW TOUR DATES POSTED

HERE

Wednesday, September 13, 2006, 06:03 PM

Back Down Under

I got here as quick as I could, at about 530 MPH...

Great to be back here for the beginning of Spring. So many friends to visit here.

Looking forward to touring to some areas I've never been to.

Had to take my laptop in for repair and it'll be gone about a week. That's a long time without my lil' buddy! Luckily, there are lots of internet cafes around here where one can grab a quick byte.

Holy shit! 'Quick Byte' - that's a sick name for an internet cafe. And now I own it! But, for $1000, it can be yours my friend!

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