Issue #13:

June, 2003

Ok, I know there was a little lapse in my Issues. It's not like I haven't had any. I've just been internalizing them, instead of writing them. But let's not hold on to guilt and anger. Let it go, reader. There. That's better.

Thank you for visiting my site by the way. I know you have your choice of comedian websites these days and I appreciate you giving me a bit of your time.

I'm back in Venice, CA, where I live when I'm 'home'. I put that in quotes because I don't really feel at home in Southern California. It's odd here, to say the least. I've been on the road for the past two months, mostly Australia, and a couple weeks in New Zealand as well. Now, you know how I feel about Australia, and ain't nothin changed. It's still the most glorious place I've found to trade my wares. And if it's possible, it seems to be getting even better.

This was my 5th Melbourne Comedy Festival in a row. It was also very special, since not only did I do my own stand-up show, we also premiered the Marijuana-logues (overseas version), which ran for the second half of the festival.

What a joy to have some good buddies, Tony Camin and Jimmy Dore, come along and share the Aussie experience with me. It's so sweet to be able to say, 'See. This is why I keep coming back here.'

We had a ball, kayaking on the mighty Yarra, roadtripping it down the Great Ocean Road, partying it up all night at the Festival Club with all the lovely people - cast and audience, of the festival.

Like most Great Times, these flew by all too fast and left me wondering if it was possible that a month had gone by, or if perhaps I had been sucked into an Inter-dimensional Time Vortex, but then I realized that this a was stupid suggestion, since they don't have those in Australia, yet. (Only in Tokyo, New York and parts of Europe.)

When Melbourne ended, we all swore to return next year and said our goodbyes. Jimmy and Tony, my fellow loggers, headed back the states, and I continued on. Adelaide, Brisbane, Sydney. Each city seemed to open up it's arms and welcome me like a dear friend who I hadn't seen some time.

It was cool because I was sharing the bill with a stupendous act named Ed Byrne, from the UK (though he's from Ireland). Ed's spent a bit of time on the shores of Australia himself, and between he and I, we had pretty sweet houses. (That means we had fat audiences, for those who aren't familiar with heavyweight, show business-speak.)

There are no two ways about it. Austalia. You. Fucking. Rock.

After Australia, where I had been for almost a month and a half, I hopped over to New Zealand, where I took a week off before beginning work at the appropriately named, Classic Comedy Club in Auckland. One of my best buddies of all time, Altavese, flew out from California and met up with me in Christchurch, on the South Island. We rented a car and headed off.

I had spent 3 months on the South Island of New Zealand way back in 1989, just after graduating High School (the last thing I would ever graduate), and even though I remember it being beautiful, I was not prepared for how absolutely stunning it actually is upon seeing it again. Green plains, give way to steep forested hills, and snow capped mountains. That's what the brochure at the airport says anyway. We traveled at night, so I wouldn't know…

Just kidding. Oh my Gah, It's so F-ing gorgeous. So many lovely rivers and lakes and forests and beaches. Very few people. You get the odd town, and they can be quite charming, but it's what's in between the towns that will blow your mind, Daddio.

I took a bunch of video and a few pics, which I hope to get up on the NEW PIC PAGE which should be up within the next few weeks.

Because it's somewhat sparsely populated and rich with natural treasures, it is also raff with tourists, and the product of their touring, namely, tourism. Therefore, the folks who live on the South Island tend to look around their property and say, 'OK, what can I charge people a few bucks to look at around here…' So you end with lot' s of choices, but they are not all must-sees. For instance, you should look at the Timaru Albatross Colony, however, you'll still sleep well at night if you pass on the Dunedin Crazy Tree Experience.

A very popular thing to do on the East coast of the South Island is to visit and view the famous Yellow-eyed Penguins. You see signs for these guys all over. I didn't look at them. To me, there is nothing more pathetic then paying money to look at a flightless bird with jaundice. No thanks, I don't want to go on the tour, but here's 5 bucks, buy the poor bastards some oranges. I would check 'em out, but I already booked to see the drowning, psoriasis-ridded whales.

Queenstown is the most commercialized area of the South Island. But there's a reason. It's stunning. Stunning. There's a mountain range near there called the Remarkables. And trust me, no one ever sees them and asks why.

Queeny also claims to be the home of bungee jumping, in the Southern Hemisphere at least. I bungeed here back in '89 off the basic bridge, maybe 150 feet. Pretty cool. But this time I was ready to step it up. I walked into the Bungee Center first thing upon getting to town and said, 'I want to do the biggest bungee jump you have available'

Turns out it's 134 Meters (about 400 ft). Nevis valley. A huge gorge, with no bridge but some cables stretching across it. In middle there'a box that looks like a portable classroom, suspended in the dead center of the span, by the cables. A little trolley takes you from the edge of the one side of the valley to the Death Box, as it were.

You wait your turn, and try to act like you're cool, but the truth is, jumping off a ledge 600 feet above a rocky river bed is wrong. And your body know's it's wrong. But it's also expensive and you are well past the point of an allowable refund. So your Life Preservation Instinct is now battling with your Inner Accountant. In the end, you decide that you'd rather die than throw away 150 bucks, so you say, 'Cmon Bitch! Strap me in! I'm bored. BOORRRING… 'Although inside, you are weeping like 7 year-old girl who dropped her Icee, considered by many to be the coldest drink in town.

So they strap a giant rubberband to your legs and you waddle up to the edge, like a yellow-eyed penguin, in denial of his flightlessness (only you aren't a penguin and you're eyes aren't yellow, just your underpants, a little).

You stand there and think, 'This is dangerous standing here. What if I fell? I better hurry up and SWAN-DIVE OF THIS M'ER-F'ER!'

And you do, and it's wonderful and unforgettable.

You don't believe me? Check it out for yourself, Landlubber. CLICK HERE

So we tooled around in our rental. Altavese had 3 weeks to see the sights, but I had to get back up to Auckland, the main city on the North Island, where I would begin working.

In a week we had seen a bit of the South Island, but you could spend a year here and still not see all there is.

After a clock-wise loop of the island, starting in Christchurch and finishing in Nelson, I parted with Altavese and the rental car (which we had not crashed, no small feat considering it was our first time driving on the WRONG side of the road - At one point, I almost ended it for both of us by pulling out onto a highway, and looking the wrong way. A bus barreled by, maybe 4 inches from the front end of our car. This was indeed a far more terrifying moment then any I had experienced bungee jumping, and it was free - but not worth it. I am just thankful that we survived.)

Where was I..Oh yeah, took a bus from Neslon to ??? and boarded a ferry bound for the South end of the North Island, a city called Wellington. The next day I got on a train and settled in for a 12 hour journey up to Auckland. Normally it would be a pain to be on a train that long, but the North Island, though perhaps not as wild as the South, is quite beautiful and green. Many lakes and streams we passed and crossed over, and 12 hours seemed like much less.

Arrived in Auckland, and checked in to the Hermetage Hotel (Heritage, really, but me being a comedian and all…). So began a 2 week run in the tranquil city of Auckland. The club is excellent and what's more, my show was immediately after a great show from a duo called 'Flight of the Concords', who refer to themselves as 'folk parodists'. They are hilarious and musically quite listenable as well. Keep an eye out for them, as it's only a matter of time before they go world-wide. And they're great guys too. We hung out a lot after our shows and I got to know Brad and Jerome pretty dog-gone well. Top guys.

And then the day came, when after two months of this brilliant trip, the lovely audiences, the breathtaking nature, good friends - both old and new, when I had to board an airplane bound directly for Los Angeles International Airport. Brutal.

So here I sit, in Tsarbucks, the Russian coffee shop in Venice, CA. The Marijuana-logues are on Jimmy Kimmel Live Tonight, which should be pretty cool. Yet, as cool as that is, my thought's continuously return to the Southern Hemisphere. I'm heading out there again in October. Can't honestly say when I'm returning though…

KEEP YOUR EYES OUT FOR THE NEW 'PICTURE DIARY' COMING TO…

ARJBARKER.COM